Quotations ... Quotes ... Aphorisms ... Puns ... Definitions ... translated from Dutch into English...

301

Many an offer is made, hoping it will be rejected. ( Wijnaendts Franc )

302

Being accepted by those surrounding you for what you are, is the deepest factor of mental health. ( G.Danneels )

303

He was someone who even while hesitating showed the greatest confidence. ( P.Theys )

304

You know boy, we already discussed abortion even before you were born. ( Verhoeven )

305

Whenever I see a cat playing with a bird, I have to chase it, as it reminds me of my own abortion. ( P.Nijs )

306

Abstract words kill reality's dream. ( Jonckheere )

307

Those who hide behind absurdity become invulnerable. ( Bomans )

308

You also need petrol to drive backwards. ( Kadé Bruin )

309

Discussion between actresses: "You're a slut! You don't even know who your mother is." - "You'd better watch it, it might be you!" (W.van Broeckhoven )

310

If Adam and Eve were such beautiful creatures, where do all these ugly ones come from?( W. van Broeckhoven )

311

Fortunately, envy is soundless, else the sound surrounding us would be deafening. ( Vermeulen )

312

Expensive fur coats bring more coldness to those women watching them than warmth to those wearing them. ( J.de Valckenaere )

313

What a renegade usually renounces is his education more than his religion. ( Cor De Jonghe )

314

The best thing to do with an anonymous letter is not answering it. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

315

At last alone, there's no one to complain to about being alone! ( Vermeulen )

316

Nowadays, when someone's at work, you tend to think: "It must be someone serving an alternative conviction". ( F.Jansen )

317

"Could you please pick up this form in let's say 6 years?" "Sure, morning or afternoon?" ( W.van Broeckhoven )

318

Americans: People who feel wealthy because they charge each other too high prices. ( Nora Portier )

319

Fear and happiness are twins. ( H. De Coninck )

320

Fear holds children back and makes adults more open. ( Greshoff )

321

Answers are usually decoctions of questions. ( Jonckheere )

322

This is the doctor speaking. My answering machine is on the phone at the moment. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

323

Applause: a frequently used TV sound, usually recorded in advance. ( H.De Coninck )

324

Never trust an archaeologist whose wish it is to be cremated. ( Verhoeven )

325

My parents were so poor I celebrated my 16th anniversary when I was 35! ( W.van Broeckhoven )

326

Since you're poor, you may as well accept honesty. ( P.Theys )

327

You can consider yourself famous when your paintings have been stolen from the museum. ( Verhoeven )

328

Working too hard is less tiring than working too little. ( Schouwenaars )

329

The best books are those you think are good without really knowing why. ( Auwera )

330

When you're afraid to start reading the final chapter of a book, it must be a good one. ( Jonckheere )

331

What use are books meant for teenage girls to a teenage girl? ( L.P.Boon )

332

Some stories start off in such fascinating way, you hardly dare continue reading them. ( Buddingh )

333

Farmer seeks woman with tractor. Please include picture of tractor. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

334

If a neutron bomb only kills people and leaves buildings unimpaired, war movies tend to become very dull. ( Verhoeven )

335

In case of fire, please shut down the alarm system, as this will only cause panic. ( Vrij Nederland )

336

I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't send one. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

337

Writing a letter to yourself makes sense when you have the correct address. ( Henk Bos )

338

In some pubs, service is so slow, you cannot get drunk. ( Carmiggelt )

339

When your car suddenly accelerates from 50 to 60 m/h, they probably stole your caravan. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

340

Agreeing on a compromise gives the looser the illusion of having won. ( Schouwenaars )

341

A communist is someone who has no possessions and wants to share them with others. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

342

The success of ideas does not depend on their precision. ( Wijnaendts Frank )

343

Computers can do more work in less time because they needn't answer the telephone. ( J.Adams )

344

Condoleances: congratulations to you and me for still being here. ( Y.Kroonenbergh )

345

Poetry is musical expression of silence. ( Greshoff )

346

Birds are happy with little, which is necessary, as you wouldn't be able to fly otherwise. ( W.Vermandere )

347

Creativity is despair showing its best side. ( Vuylsteke )

348

Writing in a diary is like taking pictures in pencil. ( Wim Kan )

349

Dancing is good training for girls. This way, they learn to guess what a man's next step will be. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

350

Democraty is the nation's will. Every morning I read the newspaper and am stupified to find out what it is that I want this time. ( Wim Kan )

351

A poet reveals secrets without giving them away. ( Greshoff )

352

An animal does not need words, as it has no intention to lie.( Vloemans )

353

Now that I finally have the money to buy an expensive dress, it doesn't seem to fit. ( A.M.G.Schmidt )

354

I don't know why there are so many things we don't know. ( Jonckheere )

355

Listening to a patient not only requires medical equipment. ( Jonckers )

356

Also the Greek were stupid, as they didn't even know they belonged to Antiquity. ( Jonckheere )

357

Not in your sleep, but in your sleeplessness you're the closest to death. ( Komrij )

358

I never drink unless I'm alone or in company. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

359

We don't have a village drunk here. We each take turns. ( Jonckers )

360

Some people are constantly drunk with others people's fame. ( Buddingh )

361

Loneliness is the certainty of not seeing anyone when opening the door. ( Lamon )

362

All mushrooms are edible, but some you can eat only once. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

363

A self-centred person who achieves something in life is called a personality. ( Vercammen )

364

One has its fantaisies to prepare for reality. ( Buddingh )

365

Isn't it strange thet in movies for men the bad one dies, whereas in movies for women it always seems to be the good one. ( Selis )

366

Often something needs to be done before something is done. ( Johan Cruijff )

367

If I were to have all shortcomings that were really attributed to me, I'd be rich. ( Auwera )

368

Being genious means compensating one century's lack of intelligence. ( Aafjes )

369

History does have tendency to repeat itself, it only costs more. ( Verleyen )

370

Prisoner's letter to an author: " I simply loved your novel. It was the best one I've read in 4 years 7 months and 15 days." ( W.van Broeckhoven )

371

People showing their scars, never have been deeply wounded. ( Buddingh )

372

One goldfish says to the other: "I don't believe in God." The other one replies: "But I do, who else would clean our bowl?" ( W.van Broeckhoven )

373

The heart merely listens to the heart. ( Ellschot )

374

If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, think and decide which one is better than the other.( M.Vos Savant )

375

In autumn, doubt is set to rights. The world seems to perish a little, just to give it a try. ( Carmiggelt )

376

Dogs cannot talk. A dog saying he can, is lying. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

377

Humour and patience are camels guiding through any desert. ( Bosmans )

378

Humour is looking in a mirror to see oneself. ( Van Wilderode )

379

He who looses his personality in marrriage, never had one. ( Callewaert )

380

Sign: "Break into our house and give our pitbull the time of his life!" ( W.van Broeckhoven )

381

Being inspired means remembering the future. ( Eric Van der Steen )

382

When parents still have the energy to do so, then is the best time to take children to bed. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

383

Ssst! Quiet! I'm making noise! ( Guy Mortier )

384

For a man it's very important to know that his wife thinks he's important. ( M.C.Moerdijk )

385

Man are very eager to declare their love but hesitant when it comes to admitting they don't love; with women it's the opposite. ( Gerard Reve )

386

In love, you can only be disappointed by yourself. When you're disappointed by the other, there's no love left. ( F.Auwera )

387

Declaration of love: expressing in words what words can't express. ( Jonckheere )

388

My son meditates all day long. I think it's better than doing nothing. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

389

He who listens to women and elderly will soon be their friend. ( M.Gijsen )

390

Leaving a woman, also means leaving the man she made of you. ( P.Theys )

391

Melancholy characterizes human authenticity. ( Verhoeven )

392

If moral values were as advanced as science, the garden of Eden can't be far off. ( Vloemans )

393

Says mother mosquito to a little one: "The secret is to stop buzzing as soon as they turn on the light." ( Vrij Nederland )

394

Ther's nothing against meeting an old man, as long as it's not in front of my hairdresser's mirror. ( F.Jansen )

395

If tomorrow, you were as old as you are today, you're dead. ( Toon Hermans )

396

Who thinks for too long uses blood circulation instead of brains. ( N.Scheepmaker )

397

News is anything you react upon with: "This cannot be happening!" (W.van Broeckhoven )

398

"Taxi! Would you be so kind to take these two elderly to the cemetery?" "But of course! Shall I also bring them back?" ( W.van Broeckhoven )

399

"I'm sorry, but the bar is closed. Would you like a drink whilst you're waiting for it to open?" ( W.van Broeckhoven )

400

Be optimistic. Pessimism doesn't help either. ( Van den Berghe )

401

I only grow old in the presence of my lawyer. ( P.Theys )

402

Being able to smile about a defeat is ultimate victory. ( Aafjes )

403

After having been expelled, Adam stood at the gate, grasped a huge stick and shouted: "Where was that paradise?" In the meantime, Eve covered herself with a new fig-leaf and said: "How do you like my new dress?" ( J.de Valckenaere )

404

Bachelors' wives and virgins' children are always perfect. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

405

Most politicians are incapable of even memorizing their own promiises. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

406

Many people died from politics. However, few of them were politicians. ( Buddingh )

407

They who can travel together can also live together. ( Carmiggelt )

408

Opening the door to a hotel room is like opening a present. ( Kees Van Kooten )

409

In the end, frequent travellers discover their home. ( Bomans )

410

During the power failure, I was stuck on the department store's escalator for 3 hours ! ( Van Pottelberghe )

411

"Did your roof suffer from the heavy storm?" - 'I'll tell you as soon as I've found it back." ( W. van Broeckhoven )

412

Most people pretending to love paintings merely love looking at pictures. ( Buddingh )

413

I'm writing this fast because I'm anxious to know how the story will end. ( Vestdijk )

414

Writing is like watching with your eyes closed. ( R.Campert )

415

He who sleeps is unreachable, he who dreams has the unreachable. ( M.Gijsen )

416

In order to sleep, one only has to empty one's mind, which is why so many people fall asleep so easily. ( P.Van Haverbeke )

417

An evil person - that's someone doing harm for the sake of harming - is as rare a personality as a saint. ( Bomans )

418

Sociologist: someone who proves it gets darker once you turn out the lights. ( Jan Blokker )

419

In circles' heaven, there's no room for squares. ( Buddingh )

420

Sports: a healthy mind in an injured body. ( W. van Broeckhoven )

421

A good orator never tries to convince himself. A bad one never convinces others. ( Jonckheere )

422

"I don't speak for myself but for future generations." "If you continue for long enough, you can tell them in person." ( W.van Broeckhoven )

423

What all fairy tales have in common is that they are all about desire, not about realization. ( Bomans )

424

Success is like a pie of which everyone wants a piece. Once it's gone, so is your company. ( Wim Kan )

425

One should realize sooner that there are things for which simply it is too late. ( Freek De Jonge )

426

They stole my wife's credit card. But never mind, the thief will probably spend less than she does. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

427

We should actually be on holiday, as we were meant to be. But then again, what else would we long for? ( Carmiggelt )

428

Some people would die of grief if back luck were to be taken away from them. ( Buddingh )

429

If during a meeting, someone doesn't say a word while others are talking, that person probably is the only one listening. ( R.Devos )

430

I've already forgotten so many things that I can't even renember them. ( Hoste )

431

Very often, tolerance is an expression of fatigue. ( A.Vermeylen )

432

An explanation often means asking the same question in a more simplified manner. ( Harry Mulisch )

433

I love you so much that if you'd ever leave me, I'd come with you. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

434

They were so much in love. They could spend hours reading each others T-shirts. ( Van Kooten en De Bie )

435

Construction something takes away the need to destroy. ( Jonckers )

436

Addiction is like being in a friendship without friends. ( Connie Palmen )

437

Butterfly: a sun beam having the day off. ( J.de Valckenaere )

438

This year, we go on holiday by plane and I take away the canary with me. I hope the poor little thing won't get airsick, for he has never flown before. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

439

The only thing left now, is paying the midwife for a couple of months and the baby will be ours. ( Van Pottelberghe )

440

 Culture: Naming a street after a famous writer and add: "Famous Writer" ( Vrij Nederland )

441

Never underestimate a woman, unless you're talking about her age or weight. ( W.Triesthof )

442

A woman cannot know happiness, unless she experienced unhappiness. ( Piet Nijs )

443

Women walk slowly to make their beauty last longer. ( Stef Bos )

444

A grammar expert pretending that "a group of women" is singular should be put right in their middle. ( Kadé Bruin )

445

Our neighbours exactly know how wrong we are. However, we know exactly how wrong they are. ( Carmiggelt )

446

The problem with weather forecasts is that you're never quite sure whether they are always wrong. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

447

You really feel seasick when the fear to survive is bigger than the fear to die. ( L.Cramer )

448

Disease alienates us from and at the same time reconciles us with life. ( Greshoff )

449

Man always needs someone around whom he can be silent. ( Van de Woestijne )

450

It's unbearable to listen to some people's silence. ( Cor De Jonghe )

451

A real Handy man usually has a neighbour who is one. ( Vrij Nederland )

452

Integrity: Looking as stupid as you really are. ( Verhoeven )

453

You cannot forbid a child to play with a balloon, even though as an adult you know that sooner or later it will pop. ( M.Cox )

454

A real reader never takes along books, unless he's going to a desert island. ( Vrij Nederland )

455

No one hears so many miserable stories as the severely injured one in a hospital bed. ( Jessie de Caluwé )

456

Psychiatry: Consider your 100th birthday to be a mortal fear. ( Vrij Nederland )

457

Speed: Western way of indolence. ( Vergheynst )

458

Some dogs consult the TV.-guide in order to be able to plan their next walk. ( Vrij Nederland )

459

Women seem to be the centre of the world. When a man is born, people ask: "How is the mother?". When he marries, people say: "What a beautiful bride!" and when he dies, people ask: "How much does she inherit?". ( Callewaert )

460

A poem doesn't consist of words, but words and their silence. ( Nijhoff )

461

When I have inspiration I write, so every morning at 9 o'clock, I make sure to have inspiration. ( P.De Vries )

462

Don't try to be the 11th naïve one when there already are ten a penny. ( Eva Van der Linden )

463

The only thing we know for certain about infinity is that discussions about it are endless. ( Goudsblom )

464

Wear and tear is something out off the old days. Nowadays everything breaks down. ( Terzijde )

465

This year we decided to stay home for the holidays. We pretended to have no electricity in the house and mom had to prepare every meal with olive oil. ( Koot en De Bie )

466

Being in love makes any simple thing look so amazingly complicated and any complicated thing so amazingly simple. ( Eva Van der Linden )

467

If you're not careful, you'll continue to prepare yourself for the rest of your life. ( Remco Campert )

468

Alphabetical order really is something amazing. The most incoherent and chaotic things seem to be ordered in a most perfect way. ( Remco Campert )

469

Experience is something gained through inexperience. ( Goudsblom )

470

"How does it feel to be 60?" - "As a matter of fact, I saw it coming!" ( Wim Kan )

471

Chewing gum is the only excuse Americans have for their bad English. ( Mulisch )

472

Hour record: 61 minutes. ( Guy Mortier )

473

Between a father and his son lies the deep gorge of their resemblance. ( Piet Theys )

474

A father is someone who teaches you how to play football, even if you're a girl.

475

It must be terrible to be understood by one's father. ( Mijlemans )

476

If necessary, you invent traffic jams, but you simply cannot return from holidays without some horrible stories. ( Vrij Nederland )

477

Tell me where you spend your holidays and I'll tell you who your wife is. ( Jan Lambin )

478

Invite a lonely person. It will cost you less than a babysitter. ( Guy Mortier )

479

The reason why we cut a long story short, is to be able to tell another one. ( Shoemaker )

480

Love: a sublime kind of fever suddenly giving you life meaning. ( Carmiggelt )

481

To follow an example is like turning the past into the future. ( de Groot )

482

Some people tend to fall in love only for the sake of jealousy. ( Buddingh )

483

Even the smallest amplifier will soon cost you a few good neighbours. ( Vrij Nederland )

484

It is in boredom that we sense a fragment of eternity. ( Goudsblom )

485

What one expects often tends to happen, so better expect for the best. ( Aafjes )

486

I took a group insurance. Afterwards I found out that it was only valid if the whole group became ill. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

487

Fabrications bloom on a soil of truth. ( F.Auwera )

488

One finger: what is left after having been kidnapped 9 times. ( M.Uytterhoeven )

489

Fishing is waking up the neighbourhood at 4 in the morning with your noisy scooter to go and enjoy the peace and quiet of the water. ( Verhoeven )

490

Adulthood: deciding for yourself when it's time to go to bed. ( Buddingh )

491

Ever since in a dictionary words were arranged in an alphabetic order, it seems to me they are much easier to find. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

492

There's no faster way to go forward than to follow the queue. ( W.Beckers )

493

The ideal chairman: He who only opens his mouth to yawn. ( K.Jonckheere )

494

As long as foreigners earn less than us, live in poor conditions, etc. we gladly accept them, but heaven forbit as soon as they do better than us. ( Buddingh )

495

You should meet friendship half-way by avoiding your friend from time to time. ( J.de Valckenaere )

496

It's unhealthy never to be ill. ( Kees Versteeg )

497

Woman adore men who are great, however not because they're great. ( Cor de Jonghe )

498

Even rain looks better when the sun shines. ( R.Vogelzang )

499

The sun is useless: she doesn't shine at night and during the day there's enough light anyway. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

500

If you address the right audience with the right kind of difficult words, it will already take you a long way. ( Freek de Jonge )

501

Possessions merely offer you a more comfortable way to be unhappy. ( J.Vermeulen )

502

Judging by the model of many a pair of glasses, you can see they were bought by people with a bad eye sight. ( Triesthof )

503

You can do everything in a caravan, however never at the same time. ( Seth Gaaikema )

504

Nevertheless, the inventor of the copier had an original mind. ( Versteeg )

505

What you should do today, should be done the way you would else have done it the day after. ( Toon Hermans )

506

There's nothing bad about dying. After all, it wasn't bad before you were born either. ( F.Heineken )

507

When drunken people start telling you the truth, hurry up and drink some more. ( Versteeg )

508

Loneliness can be quite an enjoyable meal, provided you don't eat it every day. ( Carmiggelt )

509

Flat resident: someone who's entitled to complain about noisy neighbours, especially when not invited to their party. ( Philips )

510

People believing time is money usually notice on their death-bed they ran out of time, not money. ( A.Pola )

511

He who's lucky doesn't need to be right. ( Vloemans )

512

If people once really were what is mentioned on their epitaphs they would have died a lot sooner: from boredom. ( Bomans )

513

The funniest jokes are the ones that were not thought of. But try and think of one. ( Finkers )

514

Humour: the smile of someone who knows how little reason there is for smiling. ( De Valckenaere )

515

There's one thing cats till ought to learn, though: to close the door behind them. ( Buddingh )

516

When in company, the best way to counter criticism is by surpassing one's self-criticism. ( Vloemans )

517

The best years of your life are those during which you believe that the best is yet to come. ( B.Keizer )

518

People who hardly read, hardly hate it. ( Versteeg )

519

Melancholy: a temporary lack of self-delusion. ( W.F.Hermans )

520

Miss elections are a charade: the candidates all show off in bathing suits whilst half of them can't even swim. ( Raf Coppens )

521

Poll: ask for opinions people don't have. ( Wim Kan )

522

Would your education be any better, if only you had other children? ( Vrij Nederland )

523

Should my father reincarnate within 3 years, is there any way to reclaim the legacy duties? ( C.Timperman )

524

Are there any fully automatic cameras that can go on holiday without you having to come along? ( Verhoeven )

525

Mathematics consist of 99% creativity and 10% knowledge. ( K.Peeters )

526

You'll find all the answers you need in the mirror. ( Raanhuis )

527

It is possible to live from illusions if reality allows you to earn a living. ( Vloemans )

528

When you're young, you hardly get the chance to get to know yourself, as others constantly remind you of who you are. ( T.Hermans )

529

A totally self-confident statistician waded across a river having an average depth of 1 meter. ( Bomans )

530

The best defence against logics is ignorance. ( Philips )

531

Whenever I have a glass of wine, I turn into someone else, someone who always seems to be thirsty. ( Carmiggelt )

532

It's hard to believe someone is telling the truth, given you would lie being in their shoes. ( Mencken )

533

I'm so thoroughly insured that even a burglar stumbling in our house would be insured. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

534

When you're stuck in a traffic jam, you'll never get carjacked. There's no way they would get away with your car. ( Coppens )

535

It's easy to find out whether a modern painting is finished. When the painting is still wet, it isn't finished. ( W.van Broeckhoven )

536

The new Airbus is so huge that, when being at the luxury bar, you won't even notice a hijacking in economy. ( Geert Hoste )

537

Most people spend their entire life looking for something they never missed. ( R.Van Gool )

538

Having faith is not naive. It's actually the best deed you can set. ( P.Brusselaers )

539

A wish is the mother of all disappointments. ( A.Pola )

540

If you want to bother others, tell them all about your successes. ( J.H. de Groot )

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